ALICE IN 2021 (Part 2)

A “My Journey” post By Sol Riou, MSW, retired LICSW

The following submission is a Washington state social worker’s accounting of her Covid journey with patients “down the rabbit hole.” This series will be published in four parts.

Views and opinions expressed in “My Journey” posts are not necessarily those of Children’s Health Defense.

Previously on “Alice in 2021”:

The first installment of this short series revolved around Sol’s life as a Washington State social worker and her journey down the rabbit hole as her patients in early 2020 were relating their stressors and concerns to her during the country’s Covid-19 lockdowns.

PART TWO

It’s now January 6 of 2021, and the historic storming of the United States Capitol in Washington, D.C., has been streaming live in the news since I arrive at work.

The perfect storm hits home for me: three tidal waves come from three different women, and the 2021 Rabbit Hole opens permanently for me. I am a Wounded Healer, drowning in uncontrollable emotions. I question my effort to remain in my job; as a therapist with trauma history, perhaps I will never find a way to hold this collective trauma that we are facing.

Marge, my last patient of the day, is sharing what brought her in for an intake and assessment. She sits across from me, as we have begun offering in-person sessions again.

“I have a professional examination that is necessary before I can practice in this state, and I am struggling with absolutely no motivation. Zippo. None. I can hardly get out of bed to walk my dog. I let him out and return to bed, or find myself glued to the television, listening to the news.”

Marge continues, “And just now . . . you make me mask for this intake . . . ” She pauses and sighs. “You did offer me a session online. But I don’t have connectivity where I live!” I continue to breathe deeply . . . I care. In the deepest depth of my heart, I wish that the pandemic was over. It is not.

“It is all lies,” Marge asserts. “Bill Gates, the CDC, the WHO and our governor are all lying to us whether you know it or not. Big Pharma and the technocrats are making a mint off of the Covid pandemic and this vaccine research. There are doctors successfully treating Covid patients with over-the-counter drugs that are available and affordable. We aren’t being told about these treatment protocols. Bill Gates invested in a patent on an mRNA vaccine years ago.”

Marge is a professional pharmacist. I cannot dismiss this patient’s reasoning easily. Sometimes I can easily dismiss a patient’s rationale. Just earlier this week, a pastor shared about his refusal to follow the governor’s mask mandate, not only for himself; he is preaching dissent to his church members. He defended his actions, via telemed of course, by quoting the Bible and some internet sources.

Involuntarily, I enter my amygdala. “DANGER * DANGER * DANGER!” Instinctually I engage my diaphragm in that deep slow grounding breath, six counts breathing in and eight counts breathing out. “Repeat until calm,” I tell myself. I notice an emotional numbness, and my breathing is very shallow. I have been triggered by Marge’s words, “They are lying to us.” Under my breath, I tell myself these are only words, harmless words. I venture asking her a question, “So you mentioned an exam that you need to take to get licensed. Would you like your treatment plan to focus on you having the motivation to work toward studying and passing this exam?” My words refocus us from current events back to her original intake. We develop a treatment plan to support her having increased emotional control when watching the news. We practice calming skills together for the remainder of our session. I leave for the day proud of my successful efforts as the drama continues to unfold in Washington, D.C.

After work, I sit by a fire in Belma’s backyard with my hiking group that has been meeting for over three years. I listen to Belma’s guitar and soft voice as she shares with us her latest creative endeavor. As I enjoy a fragrant cup of hot tea and a tasty nibble of dark chocolate, I realize I am not enjoying the images Belma’s song conjures in my mind. She depicts a future world controlled by technology. There are cameras in the schools, in the stores and in restaurants, using facial recognition to report those who violate their Covid quarantine. Artificial intelligence determines whether you will be allowed to enter or not by matching your face with the information on your Covid passport. Belma has just finished reading The Fourth Industrial Revolution by Klaus Schwab, a German economist who founded the World Economic Forum. Her song is skillfully constructed and performed but not comforting. It is a passionate plea to disrupt this trajectory toward a world void of personal freedom and privacy. She offers to share another of the recent songs that she has written, inspired by the same book. We ask her not to.

Driving home that evening my childhood friend Danelle calls me for support. I find her message on my cellphone, “Call me! I just sent you a video . . . you won’t believe the mounting evidence about the Covid-19 vaccines!”

Danelle suffers from several chronic health concerns, and I have always respected her solid research on supplements and alternative healing methodologies. She has been following the websites of a few medical doctors. They question the motives of the World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control. Danelle refers to the pharmaceutical companies as Big Pharma and has shared with me questionable past decisions of the WHO and the CDC, which have favored profits for Big Pharma over safety. When I return her call, our conversation is about all of this and the rollout of the Covid vaccinations. I tell her that just today I have scheduled an appointment for my first Pfizer vaccination, and she gasps, “Oh, no!”

* * * * * *

And so, 2021 weaves for me a discordant fabric out of cognitive contradictions, and threads of information shared with me by co-workers, friends, family members, the media, and patients sitting before me day after day. I fall into a dark place again and again. I climb out into the light again and again. Yet fear is everywhere around me; I can’t seem to avoid falling continuously into a deep dark hole of fear. Although not afraid of death or “the virus,” my jaw clenches and my body tenses from the words of others. I am not afraid for myself, yet I am surrounded by the fears of loss and the unknown from others. In my gut is a sense that something is very wrong. I am not able to fight it or flee from this ambiguous intangible danger, and so down I go, frozen for moments each day. I lie down on the floor of my office and place a book on my abdomen. I watch it rise and fall, rise . . . and . . . fall. I put on my ear buds and listen to my Brain Waves app. Sometimes it helps. I am walking to and from work nowadays, as I find the 80 minutes of walking calms me. However, after work this day, I will pour myself a stiff drink.

He is my last patient of the day, and he starts with, “Did you know that the guy who discovered the mRNA vaccine is speaking publicly about his concern for the safety of the Covid vaccines? Just like Einstein was concerned about how capitalists would use his invention of atomic power.”

I take a deep breath. “Breathe, look at that picture on your wall of your favorite vacation spot,” I tell myself, a useful trick to calm the “fight or flight” reaction . . . usually.

The patient continues, “So I wrote a better to the editor of our local newspaper. It was rejected. The editor said that they are censoring conspiracy theories and misinformation. But I heard him on a podcast, in his own voice; this is not misinformation! I swear, what a bunch of ignorant fools running this town. The editor said that the county board of health has requested that the newspaper report only official government information about the Covid virus, vaccinations, and the effectiveness of masking. ‘We need a united front to get through this,’ said the editor.

My patient goes on, “but what I don’t understand is why this damn hospital that you work in here doesn’t treat Covid? Whoever heard of going to your doctor when you are sick and being sent home until you can’t breathe and need to be put on a ventilator? Does that make sense to you when there is treatment? I follow this doctor online who runs a hospital in Texas and treats Covid patients, with an eighty-five percent cure rate! Only two of his patients have died, and he works with patients with heart and kidney disease. I’m telling my friends, don’t go to your primary care physician if you get sick with Covid; they won’t do shit. I give them this doctor’s website which has the details, the treatment protocol. I tell them ‘You are better off treating yourself at home.’ Weird world we got here, huh?”

As I leave the clinic for home, a co-worker leaving at the same time walks alongside me. “I won’t get vaccinated, not now. I was considering it, but not now . . . ”

“Please,” I say. “Not this topic. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t want to hear any more about this pandemic.” I breathe and refocus on the cirrus clouds high above, a delicate thin veil, so beautiful. My co-worker does not hear my request and continues on.

“You know when they started offering us a day off from work for getting vaccinated, and now pay us a $200 dollar bonus for doing so? No way, I am not getting vaccinated. Something is wrong here. I can’t really put my finger on it, but why do I no longer have a choice of how to care for my health? I have a strong immune system because I eat healthy and exercise. I’ve used alternative healers my entire adult life. I have never needed a flu vaccine in the past, and I’m not getting one now.”

I am numb. I focus on the leaves of a maple tree, attempting unsuccessfully to not hear her words.

“Have you noticed how they have thrown HIPAA compliance out the window? I brought this up at our last staff meeting, and I was told that HIPAA doesn’t apply during a pandemic! What bullshit! They have our patients’ Covid vaccination status on the doctor’s daily schedule and are training the receptionist to guilt trip every unvaccinated client whenever they talk to them. They are even having staff call all of our unvaccinated patents to harass them into coming in for a Covid vaccination! It’s insane!”

I stop to pick a berry and taste its sweetness. I notice the taste linger in my mouth. I pick a handful and taste them slowly, one after another. Can I tell a difference in the taste of each? Is this one a bit sweeter or more tart? My co-worker walks behind, me silent now, tasting the blackberries that I have placed in her hand.

“Is the second one sweeter than the other?” I ask her.

END OF PART TWO

Sol Riou is a retired Clinical Social Worker who has spent most of her 35-year career working with individuals and families who have experienced trauma. She lives on the Olympic Peninsula and continues to be active in local organizations advocating for Health Freedom and listening to those who hold opinions that differ from our own.  Her work is grounded in her Buddhist practice and the Quaker value of “Speak Truth to Power”.